My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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