in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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