I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
now i know why i became what i already was.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
