life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
