I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
