OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
