I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
