Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize