my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
