It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
