If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I need to align my fucking chakras
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize