"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
