just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
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