smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
