once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
