I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
