im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
