No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
