seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
