Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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