we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
it's like iHOP with fire
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
