I cannot find my penis.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Oh god it's open bar.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
