Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
