How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
