I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
So squirting runs in the family.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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