sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
