i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
