i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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