Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
