I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
