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vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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