I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
