Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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