Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
