on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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