This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Randomize
