Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
