I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
