Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
