I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize