Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
