I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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