I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
