God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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