I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
