You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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