You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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