thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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