Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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