I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
