Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
