Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
