paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
