Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
