and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
