i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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