The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
